happy (almost) birthday to me.

Oh god this blog is like dead. Let me, the magician, resuscitate it. Can you believe i haven't been blogging not because to contrary belief that i'm lazy, but am extremely busy?

All i can say is that thank god it's going to be over. I think. Actually on hindsight i don't think so. Maybe not as busy as these past weeks, but definitely still busy busy.

What i want to announce after my long absence is: NOVEMBER IS THE BEST MONTH IN THE YEAR!! Why?? Simply because of the fact that it's my birthday month. I turn a quarter of a century old this year can you believe it. I sure can't. It feels like just last year that i celebrated my 21st so how can it be that four years have flashed by?? Un-fucking-believable!!!!!!!!

So anyway that is not the main point that i want to make. As you know year after year, i have always shamelessly asked for what i want, and amazingly, I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN WHAT I WANTED. How can you all bear to break this young girl's fragile heart????

So this year i will try a different strategy. Instead of asking, i will wait. Just wait for someone to ask me what i want. My list this year is not long, not at all.... In fact there is only one thing i want.... And you know it damn well, but you are just playing dumb.

Then again with my kind of shit-ass  luck, i might just be asking for it. Dangadoodadoo.

Ok let's come to a compromise. If i don't ask for anything, then can you at least turn up for my party??

Ahhhhh fugggggg i'm getting mildly depressed just thinking of it. Must think happy thoughts. Like how fabulous my birthday dress (which i bought way back in June) is going to look. Like how i'll have perfect hair and beautiful nails. Like how pleased i'll be with all those drinks. Like how i'll feel blessed to have people remembering my birthday. Like how happy you are going to make me if you only knew.

But......... Ah fish head curry just bloody forget it.

goo goo bloody ga ga.

You know, i've always thought i was kinda smart and wise. Not genius kind of smart and Confucius kind of wise, but just enough to survive in this world. And i sometimes have this superiority mentality that i'm better than those young punks out there.

And then i read my cousin's blog, and it made me smile. Char's always kind of quirky, and most of her entries are hilarious, but this particular one was nonsensical yet wise at the same time. Which made me think whether i have changed over the years, or do the younger ones really have it easier because they have not gone through certain experiences yet.

I have always defended myself by saying i'm still the same old me all these years, but after reading that entry, it made me ponder if i'm really what i always proclaim. Foe example, i never used to care much about money (not in a maniacal way anyway), but nowadays i always say i'm driven by money, and would go the extra mile to get my hands on more.

And you know how anti-marriage/kids i am. But my colleague's wife and kid who just came in made me go all gooey-eyed. Dri says my 'mummy genes' are kicking in. I say oh god no!! Not at a grand old age of 25!! Freaky, no??

Oh goddddddd, i'm turning into a softie. I bet you i couldn't win a show down with a marshmallow even if i tried now.

cos i'm having an extremely horrid day.

Am in a foul foul foul foul foul foul mood today. Could be because it's Monday. Could also be because i hardly slept last night. Could most likely be because of all these game playing. How many times do i have to say that i detest game playing of any kind (unless you are talking about the kinky kind). Let me repeat if you haven't already got it into your numbskull. I AM NOT LIKE THOSE USUAL GIRLS OUT THERE. I DON'T FANCY ALL THIS TIME WASTING ONE BIT.

And it's extremely frustrating for me. On top of all these, i have so much to do but i don't have the time. Work is kinda overwhelming (but i will not give in that easily without a fight), i have zero social life, i am contemplating going back to school (it's gonna be a huge-ass financial burden if i do), i have so much worries, and seriously right now i just want to disappear and hide under a rock.

Thinking back, life is so meaningless. We study, grow up, work all our lives only to wait to die. What's the whole point?

What's the whole damn point?? For example, someone like me might as well be dead. I'm just prolonging my life. For what? For what indeed, i don't fucking know. Is the daily pain and worries really necessary??? And don't tell me you understand cos you don't. Unless you are going through what i am, don't even start dishing out worthless advice. Yes it may not be comparable to others with more serious illnesses, but it's different with you and me too right so just shut the fuck up.

Don't mind me, i'm just having a good old rant because this is my only avenue. I still have to wear my mask and be the ever-obliging employee/colleague and good daughter because one upset person is better than more upset people.

Yes if you can't already tell, I AM HAVING A BAD DAY.

episode 479563902 of bus girl. it just never ends.

Oh my godddddd.. I realised that i have not blogged in centuries. Am damn busy. Will only get worse. Am taking a chance to breathe while waiting for emails. To cut the long story short, i will only talk about things that are more recent.

Watched (500) days of Summer last Friday, and i highly implore everyone to go watch it. I could totally relate to the show lah. Maybe it's only applicable to me, but it seemed like the movie was trying to tell me something, and it did kinda wake me up a little.

At that moment i kept asking myself, "what the fish am i doing? am i blind to the signs or what??", and it made me really sad (for only a nano second) because i believe the inevitable has happened without me realising it. Bloody sneaky bugger, creeping up on me like that.

Am afraid of moving forward, even if it's just one teeny weeny step. Ultimately afraid that i'll be on the losing end. It wasn't easy to pick up the pieces and start all over you know, so i'm pissy because this is going no where. No hints, indications, nada.

Most of all, all arrows are pointing to the same direction, so how can the masses be wrong?? Really frustrating, but luckily there's work to bury myself into. With money, who needs anything else?

Ah fuggggggg, enough whining already, let me talk about one of my many bus adventures instead (how is that more enlightening than the above mentioned topic i'm not really sure). This morning's ride alone warrants mention.

First this APNN woman sits beside me, and for a moment, i thought i was in Botanic Gardens or something. Wah seriously hor, her jasmine smell was sooooooo strong it felt like i was sitting in a bath tub of green tea. Thankfully she alighted soon after.

Then she was replaced by this thirty plus woman in pigtails. Seriously lah you not shy to wear two cutesy pigtails at your age meh? I feel embarrassed for you. In fact, some of the shame has rubbed onto me just by affiliation (i.e you sittiing beside me).

Luckily (or maybe not) she too soon alighted. Only to be horribly greeted by another Mr. Stale Curry. Must be some new scent that came out in the market which i'm unaware of. He even leant on me while he dozed off lor. Two words: FUCKING GROSS.

Today's journey was one filled with sights and smell(s). Unfortunately for me, it was neither enticing nor palatable. I can only pray that nothing else will top this. Then again with my shit-ass luck and jinxed mouth, we will just wait and see yah.

full of nonsensical.

I is so stressing. I on my notebook this morning and getting shocked of my life. One day leave no work and BOOMZ many many emails. Am very scaredy when i thinking of my one week leave in December. Thinked my inbox will BOOMZ untillllllllll....

So many work to doing, so many people to serving supported (always said the wrongest thing). I wanting to fainting already. From three people to BOOMZ five people. Making me wonder if my leave only one day cos feeling like so much changing.

Tiring too. Mel's wedding on Sunday. Sleeping only one hour on Saturday night, and one hour on Sunday afternoon. Sweated like a pig, dress spoiling, face oily macam kwali, hair messy, you naming it, i having it. But still fun lah. Making me having the urge to married also. But only lasting thirty seconds lah.

Got handsome men they thinking of intro me, but after i sia suay myself, who still dared to going near me??? And then i always wondering why right. Always dug my own grave lor.

But at least i having two bottles of Vodka to drowning my sorrows in. Both my BMs bought me the Rock Edition, so i is happy like a birdie. I very tiring write like that, i better stopping now.